Like I suspected y'all are eating this shit(my truth) right up. And freedom of fucking speech so I am ready to give the people what they want. I'll start way back when and take you back to my glory days... high school. I started at Boulder High with one friend because all the others had dropped me at the end of eighth grade(kids are mean and I took the blame of stupid middle school shit). I quickly reunited with some girl friends from elementary school. For the sake of people not freaking the fuck out I will leave names out but you know who you are <3. But I quickly made a group of friends that I enjoyed, big shocker, not in the "popular group". Gross that I even have to say that lol because who fucking cares but shit matters... apparently.
Anyways after I started dating my first serious boyfriend(also the boy I lost my virginity to) me and one of these friends fell heavily into the party scene and lost many of these more innocent(at the time) friends. Tried xanax for the first time, at school... bruh. Let's just say that was my first real downfall with a boy. I poured my heart and soul into this kid and he cheated on me two days after I left the state for camp and I had to find out from the girl. Classy stuff. Then my best girl friend at Boulder High left for boarding school and I had lost most friendships I had there over this boy so I blasted the fuck up out that bitch and to my dismay skrted over to Dawson. Yeah nooo, definitely not me either.
Largely fueled by my parents, Dawson was where I finished the last two years and things were "better" until they weren't. I struggled with depression and severe social anxiety due to many factors including the image of family members that already attended Dawson that the boys there made me feel like I had to live up to. My ass wasn't as big, I remember that one hitting deep. Like why tf would that even be my problem? Great question. Lots of class acts at Dawson as well. Whole other story within it's self.
Let's just say high school fucking sucked. Like it does for most or at least the ones who aren't pretending to be something.
The summer post high school I met my ex through my best friend, on a boat for her birthday. Instant and hot and heavy but that's not for everyone to hear. We went to school on opposite sides of the country and followed no ones advice that long distance wouldn't work out well. Worked until It didn't I'll put it that way.
Wrapped up in xanax(that I got from my psychiatrist no less), weed, nicotine, and alcohol at this time I obviously wasn't fully developing or seeing what needed to be seen. I dropped out of my first college because I liked fantasy land better. Another big mistake, but hindsight is 2020.
Shit happened and one extra low night I tried to overdose on sleeping pills(also prescribed to me). Didn't work obviously but I was a walking zombie for weeks after. So totally zombie that I completely forgot about the attempt until a few weeks later when I started going through me and my ex's text messages and putting my timeline back together. Let's just say shit was fucked and I freaked out. Landing myself in my first psych ward at the age of 18. Fucking awful and not okay in any way shape or form. I learned some good and some bad like I always do but shit was not gucci.
On discharge I completed a 9 week intensive out patient substance abuse class and was sober for 60 days. For graduation from this class I gifted myself a trip to go see my ex at school. Worst trip of my life to say the least. I smoked right away and became totally paranoid and disillusioned and was scared so shitless my mom had to come get me. I wanted to leave and I didn't and you guessed it...shit was FUCKED. He told me if I left it was over and I HAD to leave for many reasons. Not because either one of us wanted it to end but because I had lost my shit, again.
Based in truth these episodes were nothing less than fucking scary. My most recent hospitalization though was a completely different story. Concerns of mania brought me in and my loud, honest mouth kept me longer, in some ways. I blame the system more than I blame myself because it's not my fault people are so scared of the truth. And everyone has had that shit twisted for a fat minute so I take some of it upon myself to expose my truth. Many issues have me outraged but like I also said on my instagram this anger is routed in sadness and fear, for myself and our world.
Thanks if you read this far :)(: more soon.