My precious shattered heart

At the end of this lovely day I bring to you the story of my first earth shattering heartbreak. The real story. The raw, untold, truth of the emotions and situations that came between me and my first sweet love.

I had come to my second high school on the tail end of things ended with the person I lost my virginity too(my first "love", I don't hold him to that standard because that would be unfair me). So I was fresh out of a relationship and starting a new school with a brand new pool of boys. How exciting.

At this school you were required to take class trips before the year starts and so junior year we took a canoe trip as a class. I was already seasoned with trips like this so the only thing that really scared me was not being in the group of the people I wanted to be with(including the "hot" boys, and my only girl friend at that school at the time that I knew from before). Trip was ok but anxiety provoking as me being the new girl it was time to show the evident eyes on me what I was really about.

The last night we spent listening to Chance the Rapper in the sweet innocent guys tent that caught my eye. Nothing happened just connection, but we both felt it. Morning after we were packing up the canoes and I was wearing a bikini without a life jacket and his eyes were all over me and I loved it. He was cute and I wanted cute.

On the bus ride back we sat snuggled listening to music in the back of the bus and him being the underdog nice guy and me being the "kinda hot" new girl, we were the talk of the town. Quickly after we returned home I went to his house and gave him a rock your whole world blow job, for I kid you not... two hours. Never came. I'll let him explain that but I gave it everything I had and more... strange start to say the least. Let's just say he never lived this down in my eyes.

Anyways I took his virginity and he decided he liked me enough to date me. Lucky me. Don't get me wrong I liked him too and it was sweet and innocent and he idealized me but I got bored fast because I knew fire, I knew passion from my last relationship, and this wasn't it. So I looked elsewhere. To one of his friends(because I was stupid and so was this other kid). We talked and flirted for months and finally at a grad party we went outside and I kissed him. Did not live up the hype by any means. Sorry lol.

I risked everything for this loser. And it fucking sucked. So I tried again. This time with a family friend randomly on a camping trip. A mutual growing unspoken crush. Kissed him but this attempt failed too. Let's just say the innocent guy found out about both and knew about them for way too long before talking to me about them.

He let me absolutely shower him with gifts for our one year anniversary(tickets to the planetarium, a brand new hammock, photo book, the whole 9) and he didn't do so much as to write me a card. Ok? So something was obviously off and when the truth finally came out of his mouth that he had known for a long time and never said anything I was caught red handed. Oops.

And that was the end for him. I sucked and he was awesome. Period. Too good for me obviously. Never the other way around. We broke up at the beginning of senior year and the rest of the year the bullying I endured from him and his friends in both in and out of the classroom caused me to start cutting myself heavily.

They would laugh at me when I gave presentations in class and they even fucking egged and TPed my house and my dad had to clean it up. Super sneaky y'all we never suspected a thing. Big jokes. The way I felt walking around those halls and being on that campus was like walking on the thinest layers of egg shells. One wrong move and I was about to fall right through into oblivion. This is the first time suicidal ideation came seriously creeping at my door.

This is also when I first went on antidepressants because I was so. fucking. not ok. Not only because of the loss of my first love but the way they treated me afterwords. And the isolation I felt. Since I started dating him right away I never really made any girl friends so when it ended I felt super alone. And I knew the shit they said. I could feel it. It was all my fault but pretty boy and squad were in the right, in the clear, per usual.

He was a baller, they all were. I remembering going to an away game of theirs and pretty boy and the love of my life were the same number in basketball and ALL my attention was on you know who. Not surprisingly. Not really relevant to most I just think that's funny, don't you?

Moral of this brief synopsis of my one "amazing" year there and then the awful one was coming into that school with the expectations that proceeded me was fucked up and unfair to everyone in my wake. I wasn't as "hot" or "cool" and that shouldn't of mattered. I'm different. Not enough people tried to be my friend. And I realize now isolating myself with the class sweetheart didn't help my case. But shit goes both ways. I fucked up in a lot of ways but so did y'all. And you know exactly who I mean when I say y'all. Doesn't apply to everyone there but the ones who hurt me know and the ones who I will love for fucking ever know too.

;)(; <3<3<3